Christmas Memories

So, this post will end up being super long, I'm sure. A lot has happened in the past week that I just want to share it all :) Hope that's okay with everyone....all 4 followers that is...and the random people who have read my blog in other countries! Did you know that blogger tells you the "stats" of your blog?! Probably. Well, I just found this feature last week and it made me so excited! I loved seeing that people in other countries came across my blog. I would love for that to happen more often...maybe it will!

The 23rd was a pretty fantastic day. I got to see and visit with my Mom who I hadn't seen in almost a year. A YEAR! Living in the same city, we never ran into each other ever...this amazes me. But I truly believe it was God's perfect timing. He knew when our hearts would be ready to see each other and not argue over the past. You see, it's been hard with my Mom. We are so much like each other (opinionated, hard-headed, stubborn, argumentative...all the qualities that I absolutely hate about myself), that when we were with each other and we would try to talk about anything important, we would just clash and get upset at each other. This is why I decided not to have a relationship with her for awhile...because there was still SO much hurt from her leaving, that there was no way that I was ready to see her or talk to her. Well, the Lord put it on my heart to get her a gift for Christmas, since last year we just sent each other a text. I got her an incredible book by Brennan Manning called, "The Furious Longing of God." Pretty much...I read it in one day. I sure hope she reads it and it softens her heart just a little more! So, I texted her, told her that I had a present for her and that I wanted to see her before Christmas. She texted back and told me when she would be home and I said, "alrighty, I'm coming over!" I was SO nervous and prayed for hours before I actually went over to her place. I sent out a text to some of my closest friends to be praying and was prayed over by my wonderful friends Karla and Brandon before I drove over to Moms apartment. It was another one of those amazing moments from the Lord where I totally and completely felt His presence and His peace. Mom and I talked for hours about school, work, my breakup, church, daily life...I told her about my awful 21st birthday, that I got my bellybutton pierced, and will be getting my tattoo for my 22nd birthday. She told me about her life and what's been going on in the past year. Nothing about what happened was talked about, we both are not ready to talk about anything really important. It was nice to just chat about life though! I do miss my Mom....very much. We may not ever have that close relationship, and she may never be that Mom that I truly desire (not that I don't love my Mom...don't read too much into that), but who am I to doubt what the Lord has in store. She really liked the book and said she would read it, so now, my prayer is that she does read it and it speaks to her. The next time we'll see each other is for my birthday...and I think slowly we'll see each other a little more and maybe within 2011, we can start working through the hurt we are still carrying.

In other news:
My Dad and brother drove out from California to spend Christmas with me. That was such a blessing! We spent Christmas Eve together; Dad and Tanner got to visit my church and meet everyone. Even Tanner said that the service was "really good, one of the best." Now, that my friends, is AMAZING! Then after church, we were all so very hungry, so where else to spend Christmas Eve other than.....On the Border. Yes, that's right folks, Mexican food for holiday dinner. That'll never happen again! I have no idea where my brain was, but I didn't even think about Christmas Eve dinner! Next year, I'll make a delicious meal, so we don't have to do that again. It was fun, but just not the same. As Dad said, "just think of it as new traditions!" haha :)
Christmas Day the three of us enjoyed each others company as we opened up presents. There was much laughter and happiness! So much better than last year! Then we spent the rest of the day over at my Aunt and Uncles house with my cousins and Grandma (who I also haven't seen in over a year). We ate an amazing dinner, laughed, shared stories, exchanged gifts, ate lots of pie, took tons of pictures, and watched Christmas Vacation. It really was a great Christmas!

I was so blessed this Christmas season! I got to see my Mom, spend time with my Dad and brother, see my Grandma, have tons of fun with my cousins, ate so much food, and was reminded that Jesus is more than just a baby...He is the Saviour of the World! There were no tears, no hurting heart, no missing the things of the past...just true joy and love!

I pray you all had a very Merry Christmas as well!

Dedicated to my Best Friend

Adam James Wilson, you are wonderful. Period.
I love you


I Celebrate the Day

Today is Christmas Eve and my Dad and brother just got here! I am so excited for this Christmas season! Before they got here I was listening to one of my absolute FAVORITE Christmas songs, sung by my most favorite band (since I was in junior high). Take a few minutes to listen to the lyrics; they have so much meaning!

"And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life"


It's Christmas time in the city

I have a dream that goes along with this one. Only one person knew of this dream. The next...will be my husband.

The best tea right here! With some honey...mmmm!

I would love to celebrate Christmas morning with my family in a place like this one day.

Now, this is my kind of tree!



As the Christmas season approaches, I can't help but wonder if it's going to be a good Christmas or a not-so-good one. Last year was rough...being the first Christmas without Mom, my Grandpa was on his death bed, I was in California where it was so warm and icky, and the boy I loved fell out of love with me. This year, Mom still is gone (although I may see her at some point before the new year), the boy I loved is no longer in the picture, and there's family drama (with the extended family). The only part I'm really looking forward to is my Dad and brother driving out from California to spend Christmas with me! I haven't seen them since October...I think that's been the longest I've gone with not seeing either of them.
But you know....with all the doubt in my mind and the wondering what Christmas day is going to be like, there's a joy that has filled my heart! A joy that no matter how this Christmas season turns out to be, I know that my Saviour was born. A baby, born in a manager, who came to earth to die so that I might freely live. I don't see how I couldn't have joy in my heart!
I have a friend who wrote in her blog that the holiday saying is, "Jesus is the reason for the season." But in reality...Jesus is the reason for life. And I couldn't agree with her more! Because of Jesus being born to a young virgin girl, in a gross stable, surrounded by animals and shepherds (who were the outcasts of that time), I have life. I have joy in my heart! I have the love of Jesus in me! He loved me so much that he died a horrible death so that I could be forgiven and made whole! This little baby named Jesus is the most precious gift that this world has ever seen! Oh, the joy that's in my heart overwhelms me to the point of wanting to share this joy and love with the whole world!!
No matter how Christmas day turns out, the sadness I will feel in my heart not having my Mom or a significant other around, or any family drama that comes up....I can run back to this joy that I wouldn't have if God, the creator of the universe, didn't send His only Son to save the world.


So simple, yet so very complex and challenging.
Put Jesus first this Christmas season, because He deserves to be first. Everyday.
Then others. Even if that's your family that you don't really want to be around.
And you....because putting yourself last, means being selfless....and that's a challenge in and of itself.


Monday=My Day

It's Monday. I really hate Mondays. Well, most Mondays I hate. Today is different though. I only had to work a half day, which in my book, is a GREAT day. Any day that I don't have to sit in front of a computer, well, my work computer at least, is a great day! I would much rather sit in front of my own personal computer, in a coffee shop (like Jives, which is where I'm at currently) then at any old desk, any day. The only part about this that I'm hating more than anything is the huge spider crawling back and forth across the window sill. I think it's just waiting for the opportune moment to leap at me and eat my face! Okay, so that really won't happen....but still...it could.
     There's lovely Christmas music playing, it's a whopping 61 degrees outside (okay, really? It's almost Christmas and it's so warm. Come on Colorado.), and the voices of chatter is all around me. Oh, and there's a cute little old homeless man sitting across from me who I notice keeps glancing over in between falling asleep and reading his book. And not to mention, the young kid who sat outside the window continually trying to get my attention with the "call me" sign. Yeah, not going to happen kid! Also, you showing me your tongue ring was very offensive and well, down right disgusting. Thank you walking away with all your little buddies. I can now enjoy my mango smoothie and turkey sandwich without your eyes undressing me.
     Anyways, back to the moral of this blog....actually I don't think there really is one...not yet at least!
I really had no idea what I was going to do this afternoon with all the time I was going to have. Being single again has definitely been a challenge when it comes to not having any one to hang out with; either everyone's working or with their families or significant others. It's been hard, but I'm slowly learning, ha! I was already down on this side of town, so I decided, "why not go into Jives, set up camp for a few hours, and enjoy a smoothie?" I am so glad I did! My creative juices seem to be flowing and I am desperately praying that I can save up enough money in the next couple months to get a camera (along with a tattoo and still save money for a Mac...oh why is the world so expensive?). It would be the perfect day to walk around, snapping pictures, and then sit here in Jives editing them...which I have yet to learn that part! I think the past couple days I've been so stuck in my apartment, thinking life was so lame (specially after finding out two of my friends from CA are now engaged), and wondering what the heck I'm doing in life. Well, you know what?! Life isn't lame, I just have to find the beauty in everyday. Even if that means spending the whole day by myself....which I really do hate, but am learning to be content. It's so lovely sitting here, writing out my thoughts, reading an amazing book ( The Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning....read it.), journaling, texting my best friend, who I must say is the greatest guy ever! Tonight we're having a phone date...the first one in months and I could not be more excited!
     Anywhos...like the picture I posted, 'Mon' means 'Mine' and today truly is 'My Day.' My day to do whatever I want:
Like get my first bikini wax (which I did, and it really wasn't that bad at all!).
Sit in the greatest coffee shop in the Springs.
Talk about local music artists with Paul, the owners son.
Drink my mango smoothie.
Ignore the young kid who tried desperately to get my attention.
Smile at the old man across from me.
Laugh with my best friend...even if it's over text.
Fall in love with Jesus more and more.
Hang out with good friends tonight and make more Christmas cookies.
And get extremely excited that Christmas is in FIVE DAYS!
Where the heck did this year go?
I really have no idea.

So, here's to another Monday.
"My Day"

I'll be seeing you...


70 Things to Always Remember:

1. To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
2. Your presence is a present to the world.
3. You are unique and one of a kind.
4. Your life can be what you want it to be.
5. Take the days just one at a time.
6. Count your blessings, not your troubles.
7. You will make it through whatever comes along.
8. Within you are so many answers.
9. Do not put limits on yourself.
10. Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
11. Reach for your peak, your goal and your prize.
12. Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
13. The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
14. Do not take things too seriously.
15. Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.
16. Remember that a little love goes a long way. Remember that a lot … goes forever.
17. Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
18. Life’s treasure are people together.
19. Realize that it is never too late.
20. Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
21. Have hearth and hope and happiness.
22. Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
23. Don’t be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
24. Take the time to wish upon a star.
25. Words are windows to the heart.
26. You are richer today if you have laughed, given or forgiven.
27. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
28. Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
29. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
30. A good example is the best sermon.
31. No one is easier to deceive than oneself.
32. The greatest fault of all is to be conscious of none.
33. Love is understanding, acceptance, and tenderness. If it tries to strangle and possess, it is not love.
34. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
35. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power of Christ within us.
36. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
37. When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.
38. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
39. It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
40. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
41. Always put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
42. The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
43. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
44. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
45. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
46. You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
47. Love ……and you shall be loved.
48. All people smile in the same language.
49. A hug is a great gift..one size fits all. It can be given for any occasion and it’s easy to exchange.
50. Everyone needs to be loved…especially when they do not deserve it.
51. The real measure of a man’s wealth is what he has invested in love.
52. Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
53. It’s important for parents to live the same things they teach.
54. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, you have no today to be thankful for.
55. Happy memories never wear out…. relive them as often as you want.
56. Home is the place where we grumble the most, but are often treated the best.
57. The choice you make today will usually affect tomorrow.
58. Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul.
59. If anyone speaks badly of you, live so none will believe it.
60. Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.
61. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
62. The best thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.
63. Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts.
64. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
65. We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for.
66. Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.
67. Happiness is enhanced by others but does not depend upon others.
68. For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.
69. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.



With each passing day, you become more of a distant memory.
A distant memory that seems so far away, yet still so very close.
I cannot fully explain what this feels like.
But believe me.
It's quite uncanny.
As I scroll through pictures and I see your lips touching mine,
I'm left sitting here wondering,
"Did I ever really know you?"
It's a mystery to me.
A mystery that I may never be able to solve.

"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind..."

Do I feel as distant to you as you do me?
I never thought that it would end this way.
I didn't see it coming.
But I do see the good that's coming from it.
I see His faithfulness.
I feel Him pursuing me.
True love.
From the only One who can fill me.

As the memories fade from my mind,
there's not a day that goes by that I don't pray for you.

"It is the difficult and the unexpected, and maybe even the tragic, that opens us up and frees us to see things in new ways. Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates."

This is a significant moment in my life.
Because it all fell apart.
Everything I knew and wanted...
But that's okay.
Because with those fallen pieces,
God is creating something whole.

To you:
You know who you are.
Thank you.
You may not understand why I say that.
Not yet.
But maybe, just maybe,
One day
You will.



So lately I've been listening to a lot of Christina Aguilera, probably because I went and saw the movie Burlesque a couple weeks ago and fell in love with her voice once again. She has one of the most powerful voices I've heard and I often envy it, but I know without a doubt I'll never EVER sound like her :) It's a fun thought though, haha!

Well, I've been listening to one of her songs called 'Fighter' over and over again. The lyrics of the song have a lot of meaning behind them, and I've related to them in the past. But not like now....After everything I've been through the past couple years with my family, and now with a three year relationship coming to an end, I relate to the lyrics so much more. I think I've listened to this song at least a hundred times thinking to myself, "I could have definitely written this song!" Granted some of the words don't really match my feelings, but majority of the song does. Here are the lyrics....

"When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you 

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me"

I do feel like a fighter. I feel so strong and I know that has only come from the Lord answering my prayers. I feel like I'm becoming wiser, I will not compromise again, nor will I settle for anything less than the best. There are days that I'm a bit feisty about the situation and today is definitely one of those days, but not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for revealing the truth and Himself to me over and over again.

I really have no idea who reads this blog or if whoever reads it can relate to me in any way, but all I can say is that I know what hurt feels like, betrayal, being lied to, all those not fun things that happen in life, specially from the people who you love the most (or who say they love you and would never hurt you), but the Lord will never give you anything you can't handle and it's the times that we feel like our world is falling apart at the seams, that we are made that much stronger and yes, we are made Fighters! Fighters in this world that is cruel and unjust, but if you know the Lord, then you have an amazing power on your side and He will never let you down. Ever.

Hear the song for yourself....it's not the official music video, but that's really good too...

boxing gloves Pictures, Images and Photos


So many feelings....

It's been 30 days since, once again, my world seemed to come apart. It hasn't been an easy 30 days. Nor do I want to repeat any of those days or wish them upon anyone. I'm filled with so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories, so many questions...

and Over
and Over
again, it's been confirmed that what I chose to do was the right thing.

It's funny how you think you know someone, but in the end, you come to realize how much you really didn't know them. I have felt like a fool so very many times these past four weeks, but have been reminded that I'm not a fool or a stupid girl, the Lord has just been trying to get my attention for three years and I ignored Him and it took a really hard hit for me to get it. Actually it took a couple hard hits...
It really hurts to hear that, but I know how true that statement is.

I was having dinner with a dear friend last night, who happens to be the womens Bible study leader at my church, and I was sharing with her how through all the pain, the truth coming out, lies continuing to be brought to the light, and all the red flags that I have now seen...there's this supernatural peace that has filled my heart. This part absolutely amazes me.

God, the Creator of the World, who knew everything that was going to happen, sent a peace over my heart and my mind. Through the pain, the hurt, the anger, bitterness, millions of tears, and many many sleepless nights, there is a peace. A peace that surpasses ALL understanding. I never really knew what this verse meant, nor had I really ever felt it before....but on that cold November night that I had to seek out the truth, confront someone I loved dearly, and find out how strong the enemy really is....I felt a peace.

Peace: noun, cessation of or a freedom from any strife or dissension; freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.

I have a freedom. A freedom I have never felt before. I'm free from anxiety, stress, frustration, daily arguments, and a lot of hurt. My new found freedom has led me to have the opportunity to put Christ back where He needs to be; where I never should have taken Him away...being the number one and ONLY person filling my heart and my needs. I have the freedom to work on my own heart, with no distractions. I have the freedom to be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically restored to health and wholeness. I have the freedom to do the things I want to do before I settle down and have a family. I have the freedom to do what Christ has called me to do and put a passion in my heart to do...without being filled with guilt from sin. I have the freedom to be me, learn to be me, have fun, and have no agenda.

It's weird. I'm still adjusting to the changes in life. But I could not be more excited to see what the Lord is doing, what he has saved me from, and how He's going to lead me to do His will! I'm also excited to know that the Lord knows my deepest desires and to see how those all play out in my future.

Three years doesn't just go away, the pain doesn't end over night, and memories will be in my mind and heart forever. But I know I made the right decision! I have an amazing support system around me to keep me focused and to help protect my heart and mind.

It's going to be a long journey, filled with so many feelings and emotions, but it's going to be a beautiful journey. And I can say that with such confidence, because it's already been beautiful in the past 30 days!


High Places

"I heard, and my body trembled, My lips quivered at the voice; Rottenness entereth into my bones, and I tremble in my place; Because I must wait quietly for the day of trouble, For the coming up of the people that invadeth us. For though the fig-tree shall not flourish, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labor of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no food; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in Jehovah, I will joy in the God of my salvation. Jehovah, the Lord, is my strength; And he maketh my feet like hinds' feet, And will make me to walk upon my high places." Habakkuk 3:16-19

Two weeks ago, this verse described my life; I heard some news that I never thought I would have to hear. My body trembled with anxiety, my lips quivered as I sat on my couch and cried, and rottenness and disgust filled my bones. 
I was so hurt, so incredibly hurt.
The day after my heart was dead, there was no life in me whatsoever, I was in total and complete despair and felt so very empty...."For though the fig-tree shall not flourish, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labor of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no food; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls"...
But now, I have reached the point of rejoicing in my Jehovah, because He is my salvation. He is my strength! Though there may be pain and hurt, I rejoice because He is Mine and I am His. 

And now...the greatest news of all....
He will make me walk in high places! My future is in His hands and if I obey Him, His Word, and His plan for my life.... I will walk in high places and have one amazing future!

As Thanksgiving approaches, I could not be more thankful to Him who showed me what I needed to see. I asked for the truth to be revealed and He was so incredibly faithful. Although the sting is still there, and the wound is still open and hurting, I know that my Lord loves me and has some amazing things in store for my heart and for my life.

I am also so very thankful to my pastor and mentor Sam Bhatt who is walking this journey with me, along with SO many amazing amazing friends. He is the one who showed me this passage and helped me understand it! (I would never have thought that the book of Habakkuk was so great, ha!)


The first snow and my heart aches

It's snowing right now....the first snow of the year. It's so absolutely beautiful and peaceful. Yet, I don't seem to be enjoying it as much as I want to. My heart is broken. My eyes are swollen from crying the past two days. I'm running on about 7 hours of sleep in the past, um, since Sunday at about 6pm. Sin is gross. People's sin is gross and destructive. Lying and keeping things hidden for months and months hurts my heart. I will never understand people's choices. I will never understand why I didn't seem to be enough. I will though, trust that the Lord is good and His mercies are new every morning. He has my best interest at heart and He loves me unconditionally. But it will take a lot of time to heal and be whole again. And to be able to trust again....I don't really know when that's going to take place, but I know it will one day.

Yet in my brokenness....I will praise and trust you Lord...


Bored at work means......

finding more fun pictures :) Sorry if I bore you with random picture blogs, but I just love photos!

Don't these look absolutely YUMMY!

Hm...so good

I have a thing for lanterns
Oh boy, so true...in my opinion at least

Such a CUTE and fun, and tasty idea!

I would like these two puppies please

One day, I want to capture a moment like this

Halloween is one of my most favorite times to go to Disneyland. Christmas is #1 and always will be!

Pretty much the greatest Halloween movie ever.

So lovely

Good ole Cali! Hopefully I can make it back there next summer

I will make my dogs do this one day too. HA!
So so true

Just thought it was quite humorous

I think there will be a picture of books every time I do this. I just love books

I'm stealing this idea

Let's go on a vacation here!


Pretty tree

Pictures like this make me feel so blessed to have the name Autumn.

Candy Corn anyone?

Paris Toms? I think I shall own a pair one day
Leaves, leaves, and more leaves

A good reminder for my head. Yesterday is just that....yesterday.

One of my favorite movies

Life is quite the journey if I may say so myself


I would LOVE to be that person on the bike. What a ride that would be!

This little piggy went to the market...
What's the best part about rain? Playing in the puddles. Duh!

I could kiss him right between the eyes

Not a kitty fan, but this one is oh so stinkin' adorable!

What's on my mind? In N Out. It'll be a year in December since I've tasted such an amazing burger.