9.08.2010

Deep thoughts from a tired girl

I'm running on little sleep, I have a stress headache, I have been constantly blowing my nose for the past couple weeks (dumb allergies), and my mind is running a million miles an hour...or so it feels like. I wish a bath, a glass of wine, and rest would take it all away, but I know that wouldn't quite do the trick. Although...it does sound wonderful!

Last night I started going to a Bible study where we're going through the book entitled "Lies Women Believe...and the Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I've only read the introduction and the first chapter, but so far...I can tell it's going to be a convicting book. The first chapter is all about deception and how Eve was deceived by the enemy, fell into his trap of lies, acted upon them, and then...well, we all know what happened after that. He began planting seeds of doubt in her mind about what God had actually said causing her to question the goodness, love, and motives of His word. Isn't the enemy so good at planting those doubts in our minds? Doubts about our future, our finances, our physical appearance, etc. From that moment in the Garden of Eden, Satan has used deception to win us over, influence our choices, and ultimately, destroy us. "In one way or another, every problem we have in this world is the fruit of deception-the result of believing something that simply isn't true." That one line from the book has been on repeat in my mind since yesterday morning. I can't stop thinking about the lies that Satan has fed me over and over and over again for the past 21 years. Lies of not being pretty enough, smart enough, worth anything. Most recently, lies that my dreams of getting married and having a family will never happen. Lies that there is no hope for my Mom, that she's so caught up in the enemies lies, her own lies, and continually being deceived that she will never find the Lord again. Lies that people are out to hurt me, judge my every move or the words that I speak. Lies that I can't trust anyone...not even the Lord. And well, there's more. Phew....that's hard to write. So many lies that I struggle with on a daily basis that it has kept me from opening my Bible, knowing the truth, and saying, "No Satan...you have no dominion over my thoughts. I rebuke the lies. I choose to live in freedom."

In this new season of life, with these amazing women of God that I have met and now call friends, I pray that I can work through some of these lies, and truly come to a place of freedom in the Lord. Not living in fear anymore, or having anxiety attacks because my thoughts become so real to me. And letting myself become vulnerable. This is another area that I struggle with all the time...opening up and letting people inside. Sharing what I fear, what I think, how I feel. I want to become a women of God that shares her heart, is full of wisdom (I know that really comes with age), and loves people wholeheartedly.

Sigh.

This is going to be a long journey. And some days I feel like I'm in the battle alone. But I'm not...I have the One who loves me unconditionally and who died for me. I just need to be in the Word, seeking Him, listening for his voice. I desire to know my Jesus more intimately than ever before. Pray for me as I embark on this journey.

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