10.25.2010

The pain is still so real

I am so relieved that this weekend is over. My Dad and brother came out from California with Dad's truck and trailer to get stuff from the storage unit for their new apartment. Thankfully when Mom left she left all of the furniture and dishes, so Dad doesn't have to buy a bunch of stuff. Dad was pretty stressed all weekend, trying to figure out what he needed, going through box after box, loading all the heavy stuff into the trailer with just James and I's help, arguing with my brother, and dealing with my emotional breakdown Friday night...Oh, and also dealing with my brother and I getting into, well, the biggest (physical...ugh) fight we've ever been in.

Sigh.

My heart hurts. The pain of Mom leaving is still so real. I often find myself trying to forget everything that happened, brush it all under the rug, become numb to reality, and try to move on with my own life. But I can't seem to do that...
Everyday my heart aches for my family. My heart aches for my Dad who is struggling financially and who doesn't have a wife to talk to or love. My heart is broken for my little brother who is so hurt, bitter, and angry. The scars rip open whenever I talk to my Mom or see a picture of our family from years ago...when things seemed to be okay. I get envious of families who are still together, who are happy or when I see friends with their Moms, having coffee, laughing, taking pictures together.
I get so wrapped up in my own pain and hurt that I forget that I'm not the only one who's family has fallen apart. My Dad reminded me of this Friday night when we were talking (and I was bawling my eyes out). He said, "I'm just now getting to the point of not hurting. What helped me the most was taking my eyes of myself and my family, and thinking about all the other families in this world and so many of my friends who's wives have left...and you know? It really helped me. I wasn't so absorbed in my own pain." This is the attitude I want and need to have. I am SO incredibly blessed to have such a strong man as a father. The way he has handled everything and the example he has been through all the pain he's had to deal with (and watch his kids deal with) has been the most amazing example I could ever have imagined. He's human and hes messed up too...the anger he's had towards Mom has come flying out of his mouth and he regrets things he has said, but over all, he's been a rock for Tanner and I.

I still can't seem to get over the words my brother said when I was trying to talk to him. I wish he would open up to me and tell me what's going on in his heart. I know what he's feeling because I've felt it all. Pain, hurt, hatred, forgotten, lonely, like no one understands, bitter, to the point of wanting to hit, kick, and scream until I have nothing left in me, crying myself to sleep night after night, losing the person who said they would never leave you, going through a breakup (him and his girlfriend broke up in July...James and I broke up last October for several months), not eating, not wanting to get out of bed, not trusting anyone, feeling like everyone who says they love you is going to abandon you, and loosing faith in the Lord. I understand his pain. I pray that one day, we will be able to talk as brother and sister and share our hearts with each other. I love my brother so so much. It seems like all I can do now is pray...pray harder than before and wait for Tanner to be ready to talk to me or someone who he feels he can trust.

The pain is still so real, but I have a God who is bigger than any life situation. He knew this was coming and He knows what the outcome will be. He knows every tear my Dad, brother, Mom, and I shed and He knows how and when restoration will come between Mom and us kids.

".....we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4 

"Consider it all joy my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, Does not become weary or tired, His understand in unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might, He increases strength. Even the youth shall faint and he weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31 
(my favorite scripture, ever.)

10.15.2010

My heart, His house

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." 
-C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

10.11.2010

Fun Fotos

I love pictures SO much. Any type of photo...family, nature, fun, books, characters...you name it, I love it! I want to get into photography as a hobby and I will once I get a camera...which I will for Christmas and I could not be MORE excited! I mentioned to my Dad what I wanted and he said, "that'll be the only thing you get this year." And I was perfectly fine with that :) Well, as long as I have some fun stuff in my stocking too! So, because I love pictures so much...here are some I found that I love and wanted to share. They're all mostly just for fun and because they all made me happy in some sort of way....

Totally fun library! Could you imagine this in your office?!
I thought this was just so fun! Plus, I love anything yellow.
Schroeder and Lucy are two of my favorites from Charlie Brown!
I love mugs and I love Paris
To this day, Cinderella is still my favorite Disney princess
Mmmmmm...Starbucks
Okay, so how fun would it be to hang onto an umbrella and fly?!
Books, books, books. They make me happy! I will have my own library one day
So romantic
Giraffe tongues make me laugh
Ron is my favorite character from Harry Potter
A cup of tea and a good conversation makes my heart full!
Such a fun idea...I may steal it one day!
.The End.

10.06.2010

10.05.2010

This Morning

I was up before the sun. And I spent time in prayer....

This verse spoke to me

"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

10.04.2010

Daydreamer

As I was walking Gracie this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice the leaves on the trees around my apartment complex changing... And falling off for that matter! It seems as though Autumn is upon us and I could not be more excited. The nights are getting chillier, the breeze whirls around as though it's hugging me telling me to prepare for the cold weather annnnnd, hot tea, warm blankets, and Christmas movies are right around the corner. I wonder when the first snow will fall...? Actually, I'm not ready for snow quite yet, but you never know with Colorado. Hm...the one thing I love and despise most about this state :) But anyways...as I was walking around, enjoying the cool breeze, watching the dark clouds roll over the mountain tops, I found myself daydreaming...again. What was this day dream about might you ask? Well.......

I was happily married to the most amazing man ever, with a family (four children), in our own home. The kids were just getting home from school and I was busy in the kitchen making homemade apple pie, sewing Halloween costumes, and preparing a delicious dinner. Warm cinnamon candles filled the house, all the Holiday decorations were out, fresh pumpkins were lined up on the dining room table waiting to be carved, and there were piles of leaves in our backyard that the kids would go play in. Oh, and let us not forget about the dogs laying all cozy like by the warm fireplace!

Sigh.

I am such a daydreamer. Everyday, almost all day long, I'm daydreaming about something. Traveling around the world, becoming a photographer, having a large family, living in upstate New York, being in a musical, sipping tea in England, and walking around Paris at night in a black pea coat holding someone specials hand. I think that's why I often get bored with life. Working the same job, sitting at a dumb ole desk, driving down the same streets everyday, shopping at the same stores... Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life! There are parts that I don't like, but overall, I have a really blessed and wonderful life. I think I just haven't learned how to be content. Content? What's that? There's a whole world out there to see!!! There are faces to meet, places to go, pictures to take, memories to make, food to eat, and planes to ride!

Oh, yes, but all of that takes money....

Which is why I sit at my desk, day after day, drinking hot tea, entering invoices for accounting and trying to answer people's questions about computers (which I have not a clue about) and am left to daydream about a crazy adventurous life that one day, I pray I get the opportunity to live.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

10.01.2010