10.25.2010

The pain is still so real

I am so relieved that this weekend is over. My Dad and brother came out from California with Dad's truck and trailer to get stuff from the storage unit for their new apartment. Thankfully when Mom left she left all of the furniture and dishes, so Dad doesn't have to buy a bunch of stuff. Dad was pretty stressed all weekend, trying to figure out what he needed, going through box after box, loading all the heavy stuff into the trailer with just James and I's help, arguing with my brother, and dealing with my emotional breakdown Friday night...Oh, and also dealing with my brother and I getting into, well, the biggest (physical...ugh) fight we've ever been in.

Sigh.

My heart hurts. The pain of Mom leaving is still so real. I often find myself trying to forget everything that happened, brush it all under the rug, become numb to reality, and try to move on with my own life. But I can't seem to do that...
Everyday my heart aches for my family. My heart aches for my Dad who is struggling financially and who doesn't have a wife to talk to or love. My heart is broken for my little brother who is so hurt, bitter, and angry. The scars rip open whenever I talk to my Mom or see a picture of our family from years ago...when things seemed to be okay. I get envious of families who are still together, who are happy or when I see friends with their Moms, having coffee, laughing, taking pictures together.
I get so wrapped up in my own pain and hurt that I forget that I'm not the only one who's family has fallen apart. My Dad reminded me of this Friday night when we were talking (and I was bawling my eyes out). He said, "I'm just now getting to the point of not hurting. What helped me the most was taking my eyes of myself and my family, and thinking about all the other families in this world and so many of my friends who's wives have left...and you know? It really helped me. I wasn't so absorbed in my own pain." This is the attitude I want and need to have. I am SO incredibly blessed to have such a strong man as a father. The way he has handled everything and the example he has been through all the pain he's had to deal with (and watch his kids deal with) has been the most amazing example I could ever have imagined. He's human and hes messed up too...the anger he's had towards Mom has come flying out of his mouth and he regrets things he has said, but over all, he's been a rock for Tanner and I.

I still can't seem to get over the words my brother said when I was trying to talk to him. I wish he would open up to me and tell me what's going on in his heart. I know what he's feeling because I've felt it all. Pain, hurt, hatred, forgotten, lonely, like no one understands, bitter, to the point of wanting to hit, kick, and scream until I have nothing left in me, crying myself to sleep night after night, losing the person who said they would never leave you, going through a breakup (him and his girlfriend broke up in July...James and I broke up last October for several months), not eating, not wanting to get out of bed, not trusting anyone, feeling like everyone who says they love you is going to abandon you, and loosing faith in the Lord. I understand his pain. I pray that one day, we will be able to talk as brother and sister and share our hearts with each other. I love my brother so so much. It seems like all I can do now is pray...pray harder than before and wait for Tanner to be ready to talk to me or someone who he feels he can trust.

The pain is still so real, but I have a God who is bigger than any life situation. He knew this was coming and He knows what the outcome will be. He knows every tear my Dad, brother, Mom, and I shed and He knows how and when restoration will come between Mom and us kids.

".....we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4 

"Consider it all joy my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, Does not become weary or tired, His understand in unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might, He increases strength. Even the youth shall faint and he weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31 
(my favorite scripture, ever.)

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