12.07.2010

So many feelings....

It's been 30 days since, once again, my world seemed to come apart. It hasn't been an easy 30 days. Nor do I want to repeat any of those days or wish them upon anyone. I'm filled with so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories, so many questions...

Over
and Over
and Over
again, it's been confirmed that what I chose to do was the right thing.

It's funny how you think you know someone, but in the end, you come to realize how much you really didn't know them. I have felt like a fool so very many times these past four weeks, but have been reminded that I'm not a fool or a stupid girl, the Lord has just been trying to get my attention for three years and I ignored Him and it took a really hard hit for me to get it. Actually it took a couple hard hits...
Ouch!
It really hurts to hear that, but I know how true that statement is.

I was having dinner with a dear friend last night, who happens to be the womens Bible study leader at my church, and I was sharing with her how through all the pain, the truth coming out, lies continuing to be brought to the light, and all the red flags that I have now seen...there's this supernatural peace that has filled my heart. This part absolutely amazes me.

God, the Creator of the World, who knew everything that was going to happen, sent a peace over my heart and my mind. Through the pain, the hurt, the anger, bitterness, millions of tears, and many many sleepless nights, there is a peace. A peace that surpasses ALL understanding. I never really knew what this verse meant, nor had I really ever felt it before....but on that cold November night that I had to seek out the truth, confront someone I loved dearly, and find out how strong the enemy really is....I felt a peace.

Peace: noun, cessation of or a freedom from any strife or dissension; freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.

I have a freedom. A freedom I have never felt before. I'm free from anxiety, stress, frustration, daily arguments, and a lot of hurt. My new found freedom has led me to have the opportunity to put Christ back where He needs to be; where I never should have taken Him away...being the number one and ONLY person filling my heart and my needs. I have the freedom to work on my own heart, with no distractions. I have the freedom to be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically restored to health and wholeness. I have the freedom to do the things I want to do before I settle down and have a family. I have the freedom to do what Christ has called me to do and put a passion in my heart to do...without being filled with guilt from sin. I have the freedom to be me, learn to be me, have fun, and have no agenda.

It's weird. I'm still adjusting to the changes in life. But I could not be more excited to see what the Lord is doing, what he has saved me from, and how He's going to lead me to do His will! I'm also excited to know that the Lord knows my deepest desires and to see how those all play out in my future.

Three years doesn't just go away, the pain doesn't end over night, and memories will be in my mind and heart forever. But I know I made the right decision! I have an amazing support system around me to keep me focused and to help protect my heart and mind.

It's going to be a long journey, filled with so many feelings and emotions, but it's going to be a beautiful journey. And I can say that with such confidence, because it's already been beautiful in the past 30 days!

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