1.13.2011

Finding Myself

Lately, as in, these past couple months, I have been on quite the journey to "find myself." I seem to have lost who I really am in the midst of the pain and brokenness that has filled my life for the past couple years. I also became someone else for a while...that someone else was controlling, stressed, full of anxiety, and not happy. Not a pretty picture. Not a pretty girl.

The quest to find myself again has been very exhilarating! Both internally and externally I am changing things...experiencing newness...becoming the woman I want to be, the woman the Lord wants me to be.

The first changes, of course, have been in my heart. Studying the Bible, spending countless hours in Starbucks, Panera Bread, and in bed, reading books about God's love, having a pure heart, lies that we women tend to believe about ourselves and about the Lord, and the furious longing that God has for me. A good friend introduced me to a song called 'Dance with Me' by Chris Quilala last week and this song has been on my heart and mind ever since.

"Behold You have come over the hills, upon the mountain to me, You will run My Beloved, You've captured my heart. Won't you dance with me, Oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. Romance me, Oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs."

Hmm...aren't the lyrics so captivating? Please listen to the song if you have a few minutes.
It's loverly! 
To have the Lord become my Lover and my Romancer again....no one else but Him, captivating my heart, longing to be my everything...feelings I haven't felt in a very long time. The internal changes that seem to be happening are more than I can handle some days, but more exciting than I can express. I hung out with the friend that introduced me to that beautiful song last night, and I told him that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. Genuinely happy.

External changes have been so incredible too! I chopped all my hair off...like the shortest it's EVER been. Colored it almost black with crazy blonde streaks (I'm doing a photoshoot on Saturday, so pictures will be posted shortly after). Next week, my dear friend, and I are going to get something new pierced, and we've already been down to Westside Tattoo to talk to artists about getting our designs drawn. I'm meeting with another friend this Saturday morning to talk about getting my diet in order, so that I can get back on track to eating healthy and gaining a few pounds. I started exercising a couple days a week; I'll start exercising more when I get my eating on track, so that I don't lose more weight, haha. Oh, and I think I'll be signing up for a Ballet class again, which will be so great to get back into dancing! New glasses and contacts are on the list of things to get as well.

All new changes, for an all new Autumn, in an all new season of life. 
I am loving this. 
I am loving the unknown things that are about to take place.
I am happy.
And have been told that I even look happier! 
I like that. 
I like finding myself again.


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