This is going to be total word vomit. But I gotta do something with how I'm feeling as of right now...
Oh man... I could write so much about this word and how it's affecting me, but knowing how many people actually read my blog...I won't go into detail. Let's just say...I'm disappointed in people. Both people in general and specific people. It's been a rough road the past few months and just cause someone (me) seems like their doing okay...they're (I) am really not. What happened to people (specific people who remain unnamed) calling me to ask if I want to meet? To see how I'm doing? Maybe I'm having a harder time then they thought I would. What happened to friends contacting me to see how I was getting along? Hm? The first month or so my phone was constantly going off....people saying they were praying for me...making sure I was okay. Maybe I came off a little stronger than I meant. And it really wasn't all strength. I was numb. Numb and angry. Then someone made a comment that threw me for a loop and now, I feel, well, alone. And that is where my disappointment comes in. I miss having a best friend here in Colorado that I can talk to about anything, everything, and not think twice about it.
Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. Drained. Hopefully worship and the message tonight will help some, a good nights sleep, and a month of release (only one person will know what this means and that's okay)...we'll see. I think I'm just overwhelmed with things (I know...vague), but I am. Thus causing me to be drained.
Like desire...but an activeverb ...yeah. You know? I actually had to look that up to see if it was a real word or if my brain was making it up. Given my mental state as of currently, I thought I was making it up! Ha. This is my desiring for things to be different, for things to change, for things to be whole and happy and healthy. In my heart and in other aspects of life. Now that the numbness has worn off, reality seems to have hit hard. Oh the joys. I desire so many things, yet, there's nothing I can do except lay those desire at Jesus' feet and let Him do His work.
I'm having a hard time doing this today. Hmph.
Determined to prove things to people. Determined to not let my flesh win. Determined to not let the numb feeling come back...or the anger. Determined to trust the Lord's plan wholly and completely. Determined to take one day at a time. Determined to not let people's lack of communication or lack of caring (although that's not the case, it's just coming across that way) eat at me. Determined to let people go, surrender them away, and live my life. Determined.
The four D's. My word vomit.