2.23.2011

Struggling Through Heartache

"I have yet to meet a humorist, a comedian, or a clown who didn't have some deep hurt at the heart of his or her humor. When we laugh at something, we are in essence saying, "I identify with that!" If someone stood up and described all their blessings, we would be disgusted. When they stand up and share all their faults and foibles, we laugh and love them for it. Rosita Perez kindly encouraged me in a letter with these words: "Whoever says laughter isn't healing just hasn't hurt enough."
Laugher does not mean you're ignoring the pain, living in denial, or just not aware of the troubles around you...For me, laugher is how we take a much-needed break from the heartache, such that when we turn to face it again, it has by some miracle grown smaller in size and intensity, if not disappeared altogether." -Liz Curtis Higgs from "Only Angles Can Wing It"

I read this quote this morning in a book a dear friend gave me for my birthday called, "Joy for the Journey." I pulled it off my bookshelf two mornings ago and decided to look through it for some encouragement for today. After reading this blurb, I have come to realize how important laughter is to me, especially through the heartache....

The past week has been filled with emotions, heartache, confusion, many many tears, hard talks, and yes, much laughter. The moments of pure joy and laughing not only felt like that much-needed break from the heartache, but it made the conversations about the hurt and heartache that much more bearable. It's weird and I don't quite understand how God works that way...I actually don't really understand how God works at all sometimes....all I know is that He is good, He loves me, and He has something so amazing planned for my heart, for my soul, and for my life. I've been dumbfounded by the peace He has poured over me at times where I should be so angry, so bitter, and having every right to hate all humanity (well, not all humanity, just those who have wronged me).

I don't understand a lot of things in life, like why people hurt people they love, why sin takes over and becomes so fun, why God allows painful situations, why he then turns the heartache and hurt into something beautiful, why He graces us with His presence and peace in the midst of the storm when we don't deserve it...because we are simply horrible, awful, disgusting humans. I've asked Him a lot of "why" questions these past seven days and I know that my questions are no where near being over. I also have desired answers more than ever before. And at times (which I feel guilty for), demanded answers from Him. "If you really love me and desire the best for me, then why can't you just answer my questions NOW?!"
..."Autumn, in my timing, you will know what is to come. Leave your future to me. Don't try to control things. Let me deal with those walls you've built up and are afraid of tearing down. I AM the Great I AM and want you to trust Me."

Last night I sat on my couch and had a worship time...and boy...was it good! Hillsong United's new CD is absolutely amazing! Just being able to spend a few minutes, singing out to Him, praying and talking to Him, having the peace rush over my heart, yet still wonder what He's doing, was something I needed.

Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart."
Now, I know this scripture is referencing when the shepherds came to Mary and Joseph and told them about the angels speaking to them about the Christ...but I can't help but read this and think to myself, "Mary pondered what the shepherds had to say and kept them to herself. Maybe it was things that only her and the Lord could talk about and work out together. Maybe she didn't want man's wisdom, she wanted to hear directly from the Lord." This is my heart right now....so many thoughts and things going on in this head of mine, that I've come to a place of realizing that I need to ponder on these things....just me and the Lord. I appreciate and cherish the people in my life that God has placed there to share with me their wisdom, but if I were to be completely honest about what is going on inside my heart...no one would understand. No one would get it. People would think I am crazy, that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I'm wrong. Well, at least I think this is what people would say. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't know. I do know that my Dad is the one I talk to and his wisdom and opinion matter more to me than about 99% of the population. Why? Because he is a wise man and has not lead me astray in the past 22 years of life.

So....
As I still continue to struggle through the heartache, I choose to laugh and be filled with His peace and joy that I don't always understand, but I know is from Him. I will thank Him for what He's doing, what He has done, and the things He has yet to do. I choose to have moments of sitting at His feet in worship and prayer, offering up my life, my dreams, my desires, and the pain that still haunts me completely to Him. I will trust that in His timing things will be revealed, the walls I have so securely built up around my heart will be torn down, and He will be glorified in my life....even if man, friends, even family, don't understand or question the outcome.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." 1John 4:18 (meditating on this verse today)

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