5.17.2011

Lots of Change Goin' On Here

Oh boy, oh boy! What a crazy past few weeks its been....which is probably why I haven't found the time to just sit and blog about my life and what seems to be going on in it. Haha! I don't really even know where to begin. I'll start by saying God is SO good, SO faithful, and learning to completely trust and rely on Him is growing my faith so much more than I could imagine. He has given me a peace to step out in faith, reach for His hand, and allow Him to lead me. I'll be honest, it's a bit frightening and nerve wrecking, but I know it's going to be so very rewarding! What is it that I'm talking about? Well....I resigned from work on Thursday without another job in sight....

Yes!

After years of desiring a new job, a change of scenery, new faces, and a new challenge...the day has come where I said, "Goodbye" to New Life Church and, "Hello!" to the unknown. I don't really know what I've gotten myself into, ha! All I know is that when I said the words to the HR department and talked to one of the executive Pastors about my decision, I had a peace. When I was putting all my mugs and candles and personal stuff in a brown cardboard box, I had a peace. When I said, "Bye" to the friend who walked the past three years of working in the IT department with me, the only other female in my department, a lady I could be myself around, speak honestly to, and laugh with...I had a peace (even though I was fighting back tears). 

God is a big God...a lot bigger than I give Him credit for. If He's the God who carried me through my parents divorce and prompted me to start the reconciliation process with my Mom and walked with me through the break up with the man I love and stirred in my heart complete forgiveness and hope for our future, He can certainly take care of me during this unknown season and direct me to the job I'm supposed to have! I'm filled with excitement and lots of nerves...I'm only on day two of not working and I'm already starting to worry I'm not going to find another job :-/ 
But through my nerves, through the times of just wanting to cry, through the moments of stress and not knowing where I'm going to get a paycheck...I will trust Him with a trust I've never had before.

This leap of faith was and is scary, but I know without a doubt, He is going to provide for me, and the amount of trust and faith I will gain from this season of life is going to be so beautiful!

So....here we go :) Prayers would be much appreciated as I apply and interview for jobs!! Thank you


5.02.2011

It's all going to be okay

You ever have one of those nights where all you want to do is just cry....about anything and everything? Well...I had one of those nights last night. An uncontrollable cry where I was trying to catch my breath in between blowing my nose and wiping my face every few seconds...yup, that kind of crying! Now you may ask....why were you crying? What's going on?! Those were the questions Best Friend kept asking me as he was sitting next to me on my couch, looking at Lego sets online, and holding my hand. To make things worse, he knew I was "just having a moment" and needed to let it all out, so in between me trying to get the words out, he just sat there and chuckled at me. How dare he! hehe, just kidding :) I knew I was just having a moment of pure emotions and was trying not to laugh at myself, because it really was pretty ridiculous. I haven't had an emotional moment like that in quite a while! 

Best Friend was so sweet though. He wrapped his arms around me and said, "Autumn, God didn't bring us back together by mere chance. It's all going to be okay! We've worked through so much and still have a lot to work through, and we're gonna do it. I'm in it for the long haul, Autumn...I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I messed up, yes, big time, and I want to do everything and anything I can to show you that I am not the same person you've known. You are so beautiful, you are my Princess, my gem, and I love you so very much!"

See...a lot of the things I was crying about were my fears eating at me...again. This is not unusual for me, haha. Best Friend and I have been through so much that it's natural to have fears. But there are moments that I know are purely the enemy trying to get my focus off what the Lord is doing, reminding me of and convincing me that the past is what I need to be dwelling on. This was just that. And even Best Friend knew that too...he told me this morning, haha! 

I know deep down inside what he said was true...that us talking again didn't happen by pure chance. Yes, it had only been a few months and that's the question I get asked all the time..."Don't you think it was too soon for you two to start talking and hanging out again?" I go back and forth. Some days I think more time would have been good, to work through things on our own....but then that night, the night in that coffeeshop, I had a peace rush over me and I heard Him say, "It's okay Autumn. It's okay to start talking and processing." I know and have heard that many people don't agree, don't see eye to eye with our decision, and remind me to be very cautious. And believe me, I take head to their advice...specially those whom I trust and respect! I have guards up...it would be really stupid of me to think everything is hunky dory again and it can all go back to how it was (but not really how it was cause it sucked pretty bad). Things are different this time...they really are. That deep down, anxiety filled, "I just know he is lying to me and hiding things from me" feeling that I got everyday for so long, is no longer there. The ugly truth that I've been needing and wanting to hear for years has finally been brought to the light. The Lord got a hold of Best Friend. Really. Truly. We're rebuilding a friendship....a healthy friendship...one that we've both longed for. I guess when you truly, honestly, deeply love someone, no matter what happens in life, that love never goes away. And I can say, with all honesty that I love my best friend, very much. We both have so much growing to do, duh! We both have healing to walk through still. We both desire to be that man and woman the Lord has called us to be. And if through all the ick and hard times, the Lord still calls us to be together...then it will  be beautiful. And if the Lord calls us apart...then it will be beautiful. Either way, I know the Lord is up to something good :) Even though I may not see or feel it everyday and if friends and family don't quite understand...it's okay.

Like Best Friend said...."It's all going to be okay."

And I truly believe that :)